O, be my delight.

set us free.

Sometimes you don’t really realize how much you’ve been carrying, until God takes it off your shoulders in one fell swoop.  I used to be really good at telling people what I was carrying, asking for help in carrying it, in bringing forth my needs and saying, “hey i can’t do this on my own,”  but having been burnt by that in the past I’ve become really timid to ask.  I know that’s a real crap reason, but it’s true.

  And so I tell Jesus (who is the perfect person to tell) and sometimes He will convict me and say “Hey you need to talk to your friends about this, too. Let them in on it.” and I cringe, and go on with my day, ignoring His nugding me to open up. 

This Sunday at church, we were worshipping and I was overwhelmed with that sense of comfort, of Him wrapping his arms around me and holding me close.  I sung “your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us, you are with us in the fire and the flood..” and started to get choked up.  I was immediately overwhelmed with a wave of conviction of trying to do this on my own. 

Man there has been so much going on.  Planning a wedding, organizing flights, hotels and rental cars for everyone coming to visit, sorting out living situations for the next six months, working two jobs, trying to get my school courses organized, working out a business plan with a friend, doing test kitchen stuff, trying to process every small emotion I experience and ending up just overwhelmed.  And then this week I woke up with a pain in my breast, and trying on a wedding dress felt that same pain sneak up to my armpit.  I reached down and felt a lump in my chest, and felt that wave of nausea.  I put the thought aside for a moment and went back to the joyous wedding dress fitting, then off to meet Jordan for dinner and a drink.  I mentioned that I was going to get it checked, and took off after dinner.

I waited for the doctor, throat catching with emotion and welling up tears, panicking, knowing the huge history of cancer in my family.  Finally I got in and had my exam, and the lady checked under my arms and checked the lump in my chest, and one in my neck, then told me she needed to refer me to someone who would be able to do further tests. I swallowed hard, closed my eyes and said, “Okay Jesus I trust you.”  and headed out to have a dog-walk date with Jord.  I kind of laughed it off and put the thought away, carrying on with my weekend. I was reminded of it again on Sunday though, eyes closed worshipping, saying “your plans are still to prosper, you have not forgotten us.”  I shared that moment with Jordan after, and kept my strong face on.

Today the We Are Creation album came out, and I know that David, and his worship have a way of totally wrecking me and pointing me to turn my eyes to Jesus.  I was excited, and taking Porter for a walk on my lunch, turned the album on.  I found myself eyes closed, walking, singing, opening my eyes and feeling like the smallest being in the world, completely enamoured by God’s beauty.  I snapped photos of the trees swaying along to the music, the flowers budding up all around me, the intricacy of everything that tells of who He is and how wonderful He is.  I was totally at peace, totally in awe of God, eyes back to Him and away from my mountain of chores.  And then “As We Reach” comes on…

“lord we give you our struggles, lord we bring you our shame, though it’s hard just to trust you, we are coming in faith. as we reach for the hem of your garment..let us be healed, let us be free…just a touch can restore us to wholeness, Lord we believe.”

and up sprang the well of tears again.  My fear came to surface and I was overwhelmed to the point that I had to sit down and just really take a minute, dog licking my face, Jesus waiting patiently before me, head going a mile a minute.  And I just felt that gentle tug, offering to take it from me, telling me it’s okay to feel, to be hurt, to be sad, to question Him, to ask Him what the heck is going on.  And so I admitted to myself and to Him that I was afraid, that I needed Him, needed His strength, His healing touch, and His comfort.  And I knew immediately in just confessing all of that - that I needed Him, that I was scared, that I really couldn’t carry all this - that I had no reason to be scared, that He has it all under control.  He has our wedding in his hands, my health in his hands, He has a plan far bigger than what I can comprehend and He is good. He is always always faithful, always loving and always good.  And a huge wave of comfort and warmth and hope and peace washed over me.

No matter what the results of these tests are - whether these are just fluid-filled cysts, benign tumors, hormonal fluctuations, or hey - even cancerous cells, who knows, God has got me covered.  I have nothing to be afraid of, I have no reason to panic or not trust Him. Just a touch of His garment can heal us. And He is for us.

So I guess I needed to say all of that for a few reasons - one, for me. To just get it off my chest and confess that I have been carrying all this and could use some prayer, and I am sorry for being too timid and afraid to ask for it. Two - as a testimony to God’s graciousness, and goodness, and how our willingness to let Him use us in turn brings hope to people who need it (Thanks Lim.), and Three as a declaration of hope.  He is good. He doesn’t abandon us.

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one of my favourite poems. by elizabeth bishop

One Art

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sometimes songs say it best

ingrid michaelson. giving up.

What if we stopped having a ball
What if the paint chips from the wall
What if there’s always cups in the sink
What if I’m not what you think I am
What if I fall further than you
What if you dream of somebody new
What if I never let you win— *and* chase you with a rolling pin— Well, what if I do
Cause I am giving up on making passes
and I am giving up on half empty glasses
and I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up

What if our baby comes in after nine
What if your eyes close before mine
What if you lose yourself sometimes
I’ll be the one to find you safe in my heart.


I am giving
I am giving up on greener grasses
I am giving up
for you.
I-I am giving up for you
oh oh
I am giving up

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learning about yourself is a funny thing.

I think it is easy to feel like we know everything about who we are, since, well, its us. But the reality is completely different. I learn new things about myself every day.

I think the difference is settling for who we are right now, and who it is that God intends for us to be, who He created us to be, how He envisioned us when He pieced together the facets of our eyes, every hair on our heads, the complexities of our hearts and minds.

Something I have wrestled with for a while is the burning desire in my heart to be a mother and a wife. If we are going to be completely honest, the reality is that who I was before I met Jesus, in my flesh, really didn’t want that. I proclaimed it a million times as a kid, “I will NEVER get married,” “I will NEVER have children. Gross. far too painful.” I had been proposed to before, and all i could think was, “Ughhhh this is totally going to kill my independence.” I had anxiety over the thought of settling down, over committing my life to coming home to the same person daily, serving them and loving them through every good and bad time.

Yet now, my heart is completely ravished by the idea, and I keep coming back to a vision that I had at Cornerstone a few years ago.

Josh had done a call for intercession for anyone who wanted an answer if they were called to full-time ministry, or for those who knew they were but didn’t know what that looked like. He asked those who wanted prayer to come forward toward the stage, and those who were gifted in intercession to stand back and reach their hands out toward them in prayer. I felt a bit conflicted, knowing that I have been gifted in prayer and intercession, but the tugging on my heart told me there was something I needed to receive.

So I closed my eyes, held my hands palms open and said, “Jesus, I have absolutely no idea what this looks like. Am I called to full-time ministry? What does that even look like? Is it MAM, is it working with the homeless?” and I felt Him just ask me to be silent and wait. So I stood there and waited, palms open and eyes closed, and my thoughts were overwhelmed by the most beautiful pictures. Flowers, bright colors painted all over a canvas, and me with this giddy joy, moving the brush.

And then the next image is one that has knit itself to a very intimate place of my heart. Me serving my family breakfast, and sitting reading with them at the kitchen table. I heard softly, faintly, “*that* IS a full-time ministry.”

I guess the reality is that the things God has gifted me in are completely counter-cultural, and completely against my selfish desires. I’m gifted in hospitality, in serving, in intercession, and the arts. If we are going to be honest, after a really long day at work the very last thing I want to do is be hospitable, to welcome people into my home and serve them a meal, to sit and pray with them. And yet I know that that’s His point. It’s not about me. Service isn’t about me. Hospitality isn’t about me. The Kingdom isn’t about me. These are things that are made to stretch me, to grow my character, to help me to become the woman he intended and created to be when he knit me together in my mother’s womb.

It’s a bttle some days to want to do these things, and yet I know it’s again just a battle between flesh and spirit. To serve or to be selfish? To be hospitable or independant?

I think the reality of it is that I’m still learning all of these things, and they come to their full fruition in marriage and motherhood. Josh has said time and time again that you learn to be more like Jesus in marriage, and then you think you cant get more uncomfortable or more stretched and then you have kids and again you learn to be more and more like Jesus and serve and love these people in your life more than you could have ever htought you loved anyone. You learn what it means to lay your life down for someone.

So at the end of the day I guess that’s what it comes down to - I’m learning more about myself. The myself that God intended me to be, who HE CREATED me to be, and I’m learning to die more to the “myself” that I was born as. It’s part of being refined, It’s part of growing into your calling, and it’s really kind of all sorts of fascinating. I can choose to swim against it, and fight it, and it will be painful, or I can choose to really just love that this is who He made me to be, and trust that He knows best.

I’m really enjoying what the latter feels like. And I’m really enjoying how gentle of a process the whole thing really is..

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He has put eternity into man’s heart.

(9-12) What gain has the worker from his toil?  I have seen the business that God has given to the children of man to be busy with.   He has made everything beautiful in its time.  Also, he has put eternity into man’s heart, yet so that he cannot find out what God has done from the beginning to the end.  I perceived that there is nothing better for them than to be joyful and to do good as long as they live.

I have had this anxiety in my spirit lately. Sometimes it’s subtle, sometimes it’s more intense.  But it’s an anxiety for what is yet to come.  Not here on earth, but with my God.  It’s an anxiety to be before Him, and see Him, to actually reach out toward the hem of his garment, on my face.  I am anxious for the things He has written on my heart.  I am anxious for answers to the millions of questions I have for him. Today i read this, and it struck me.  He has written eternity on our hearts. What I get from that is this:

1. We know there is a God, we know there is a “higher power,” no matter how hard we try to deny it, or suppress it, or justify it, or explain it.  There is something in our spirits, on our hearts that feels Him, that yearns for Him, that desires Him.  Before I was a Christian I felt it.  When I’d mock the faith, and persecute those who knew Him, I would still have conversations with Him in my heart.  I’d ask Him for guidance, I’d ask Him for peace, I’d seek Him out when I was lonely.  And then I’d claim there was no God.  But truly, there is, and there was, and I knew it. 

2. We have a natural anxiety as humans to want to know what is next in this life.  (I resonate with this huge, because I like answers to puzzles.) 

3.  We all have the questions of what comes next? What is after this? What happens to our bodies, what happens to our souls? Is there a heaven, is there a hell? What is the meaning of life? Why am I here? 

He has written eternity on our hearts, and yet we have no answers to this life but Him.  He created it that way.  He meant it to be that way.  And so how should we respond? By trusting him, by taking joy in our lives and doing good.  By turning our focuses away from our monotony, and toward “eternity.”  It says it right there.  Solomon *KNEW* that our toil, our business wasn’t always one that brought peace, or validation, or comfort, and certainly didn’t bring answers.  In saying, “He makes everything beautiful in its time,” he is pointing out that sometimes this life just aint all that pretty.  This life is freaking *hard*. 

I have thought about this all day. And tonight as I laid down and put my head on my pillow trying to sleep I thought, “How cruel.  God, that’s just cruel.  That’s like dangling a carrot in front of me and never giving it to me.”  And laying here I asked him, “Why?!” “Why write something on our hearts, and then not give us the answers to the beginning or the end?”

To give us something to hope for.   To give us something to press forward to, striving to the goal, and forgetting what is behind us.  To remind us that there is more than this world, there is more than “me,”  there is more than our situations, there is more than our circumstances.

I think when by eternity He not only means “heaven,” but also His plans and HIs purposes.  We cannot comprehend them.  He has written them on our hearts, He has born us goals and desires and dreams,and sometimes we just don’t get it.  He intended it that way.  We don’t need the answers right now.  We just need to enjoy this life. Follow him, love Him, be joyful and do good.  

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finding balance.

Oh tumblr it’s been a while.

I’ve taken more to my personal journal, but the past little while I’ve been pondering thoughts that might be nice to share.

April Ban pulled me aside at Cornerstone this year to pray for me, and gave me a word to not close myself off too much; that God had created me to be vulnerable and share, that that was a beauitful part of who I was, to obviously use discernment with it, but not to just close myself entirely (In different words, obviously, but you get the jist of it)

Can I just say how incredibly hard that has been for me?  I think balance is important in everything and anything, but this one has been something that’s been a struggle for me.

It’s been a struggle to go from a community of believers where all your stuff is out in the open, which can be good and bad, to a community of believers where you’re new, and it’s kind of strange to share things that aren’t just surface “I’m good, how are you“‘s with people.

It’s also been a struggle having everything about yourself out in the open, and being pretty burnt by it, to want to even really be open and vulnerable again.  I will be the first to admit that not having very good discernment, and being someone who is open and vulnerable is a bad combination.  But now that I do have a huge increase in discernment, it’s hard for me to want to open up, even with people whom I have known and loved for years, and who I know genuinely love me.  There’s a blockage, an injury almost, that I will admit I need healing from.  I’ve been praying about it, but it is still crippling. 

Where is the balance between “Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of your life” and allowing people to bear your burdens, allowing vulnerability, allowing the walls to come down so that people can relate with you, both in the good and bad.  I’m asking, not as a “Hey will someone give me an answer”  but more as a statement of that this is where I’m at.  This is where i’m at. Trying to find balance. (Oh, aren’t we all!)

But it’s good. It’s good to re-learn these things from scratch, and feel it out as things wax and wane.  It’s good to re-learn boundaries in my life, re-learn the essence of who I am, the importance and value that exists in the matters of my heart. 

I think that’s a huge reason why I’ve stopped updating this thing.  This little blog is a glimpse into my heart, into my relationship with Jesus, my family, Jordan, my friends, and it’s been hard to want to let anyone into those things.  But I think the only way to really get healing in this area is to take steps of faith and move forward in them, continue to pray for the injury that’s there, and trust that my Abba Father will mend things in his perfect time.

So, i’m just going to start a new page of this blog by saying that.  And I’ll be honest, it feels pretty good.

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i want to turn my head off.

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here’s my home.

i love that Jesus isn’t afraid to get in your face. 

that no matter where you are, or what you are doing, He will demand your attention, and you can’t do anything but crumble into His embrace.

This morning there was something in the air, just this beautiful scent of Autumn, and I put on a worship playlist on my iPhone, put my ear buds in and leaned my head on the window as the bus carried me off to work.

And then God showed up, stirring me.

stirring my spirit, stirring my heart,

flicking at the corners of my lips and forcing me into this cheeky grin. 

My eyes began to well up, and I bit my lip trying to hold back my tears, but next thing I knew I was overcome with the deepest purest joy, and burst into tears and laughter. 

I was at the top of a hill, overlooking Vancouver city..the beautiful white capped Rocky mountains, the harbour with the sun rippling over the sea water, all singing of His glory, of His majesty, of His beauty, demanding that the earth do as it was created to.. just worship Him.

And opening up my devotional for the day I was confronted with a scripture that made me cry harder, laugh harder: 

“The earth is the Lord’s, and the fullness thereof, the world and those who dwell therein, for he has founded it upon the seas, and established it upon the rivers.” (psalm 24)

 All while I have Edge Kingsland singing “Praise the Lord O my soul, with all my being..I was lost but now I’m found, now I know the sweetest sound, the Father’s love and hope surround…Here’s my home”

I love that He’s not about to let me start my day without worshiping Him, without my eyes being opened to His beauty, majesty and glory, without picking me up and hugging me, holding me and reminding me,

“I found you, I love you, and you are mine. I’m never letting you go.” 

In that embrace is the only place there’s real comfort, the only place that will ever truly be home.

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For a while I lacked a lot of strength, confidence, and discernment, and these are things that God has poured over me abundantly.

I’ve always been a sensitive person, an emotional person. Commercials make me cry more often than not haha, but in the past few months although my sense of wonder has remained intact, I haven’t been able to really cry. I mean, I will have my moments, but it’s something I have been praying about. That God would give me back that tenderness of heart, that I could see things deeper again, and really feel them.

I never felt like he had taken those things away for good, but I could feel that he had removed them from me for a time. I knew that when he gave them
back, they might look different, might feel different, but that they were intrinsically part of how he created me.

Over the past few days I have been a well of emotion. It’s like he finally opened up the dam that he had built holding all of those things back, purifying them, and now that it is open I am painfully aware of His presence.

George Brooks had prayed for me at church not that long ago and told me that God was not dangling the desires of my heart in front of me like a carrot, but that he had taken them and was holding them for me until he knew it was the right time to give them back to me. I resonated with that a lot, and I’ve seen that process and it’s fruits in my life.

In the exact same way I feel like he had taken this really sensitive, emotional and deep feeling heart of mine and held it until he finished the (one of many) works he had started in me.

Because really what is feeling something deeply without the confidence of who I am as Abba’s daughter? What is the feeling something deeply without discernment of what He wants me to feel that for, or how, in turn, I should respond in worship? And we all know that we don’t serve a God who gives us something we can’t handle. Honestly, the amount that I feel, I would not have been able to handle over in the first few months of this year.

So as I’m sitting here reading proverbs 8, and my cheeks have tears pouring down them, I have to stop and cherish this moment. I know what this exact emotion is, I know how to respond and how to pray it out, and I know that it’s a moment of recognition of identity. And that identity should never fail to humble us.

Thanks daddy, for blessing your children

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